I just couldn't resist this little guy running for his life while his arm is on fire. STOP. DROP. AND ROLL. Dude, didn't you learn anything in kindergarten...or college?
So we had to have "safety training" for work last week. Three hours of mind-numbing explanations like "if you smell smoke, pull the fire alarm." Really? You don't say.
The only way I could stay awake for the whole 3 hours was to 1) bring coffee and 2) pretend to take notes while really making snarky comments on the back of the agenda. They are as follows:
Time into the meeting: 0 minutes
OMG!! This is going to be 3 hours?!? Kill. Me. Now.
Topic: Safety/Injury Prevention
-"Hi, my name is Bob and I am a safety engineer."
-Me: Hi Bob. What exactly is a safety engineer? Do you have a degree in...something?
-About workman's comp; "Serious injuries are expensive."
-Me: That is, don't get your arm chopped off, it will cost us a bundle. Thanks for caring.
-Recommendation for safety: "Stretch before going to work."
-Me: What the hell? What am I, a yoga instructor? I work in a lab!
Time into the meeting: 45 minutes
Topic: Fire Safety
-No matter how big or small the fire, call the fire department to come out and check.
-Me: They are bored.
-Don't wear loose clothing.
-Me: Uh...you want us to wear skin-tight clothing? That doesn't seem professional.
-Compressed gas cylinders are very large projectiles if damaged.
-Me: Rocket maaaaaaaaaan...
-If you smell smoke, pull the fire alarm and call 911
-Me: Unless it is BBQ day at work, in which case you will be told by the dispatcher to stop being a
nervous ninny and go get a hot dog
Time into the meeting: 1.25 hours
I think my butt is going numb...
Topic: Emergency Action Plan
-There are 3 types of evacuation;
1) Horizontal (Me: sooo...you move down a hallway...hopefully out the door)
2) Vertical (Me: WHAT?! Why the hell would you go UP floors on a building when you want to get
out?!)
3) Stay-in-place (Me: I'm sorry, how is this an evacuation?)
-Our evacuation place is a grassy knoll outside the building
-Which is surrounded on all 4 sides by other buildings...excellent...fire death trap
Topic: Ergonomics
-Contact safety services and they will respond in 2 weeks or less
-Me: What if it's been four MONTHS? (true story)
10 minutes break
Upon returning they made us stretch, no joke
Topic: Bio-safety Officer
-What's safe for some isn't safe for all
-Me: We are not all created equal...
-If you work with dangerous toxins, you are only allowed a small amount at once
-Me: Creating havoc a little bit at a time. Wait...is this like the 3 oz airplane rule?
-Wear appropriate safety gear
-Me: Key word=appropriate. Lab coat? Yes. Face shield? No. And I will laugh at you if you wear
one.
Time into the meeting: 2.25 hours
Holy frack, I need more coffee...Topic: Hazard Communication and Laboratory Standard
-It is required you have a "responsible person"
-Me: Not it!
-Wash your hands, you "could be contaminated and not know it!"
-Me: Uh...speaking from a microbiological standpoint, you're always contaminated. Just wash your
hands you nasty people.
Our motto: Think safe. Act safe. Be safe.
I hope this helped.
