Raptures Over the New County Library

I would say the local county library has been closed for...oh...six months to a year.  It's a little hazy now.  They closed it down for renovations, but then moved all the books to an empty warehouse in town so I could still check books out, therefore staving off any freak-outs that would have ensued over not getting my precious bound pages of story goodness.  NOT being able to check out books for a year would have definitely stuck in my head.  To the day. 

I went over the the new library last week because 1) they finally opened the sacred doors and 2) I had a book on hold.  Give me!

First impression: Library of the FUTURE.  TODAY!  They have this sweet book drop that is completely automated.  A little door opens up in a wall and you send your book off on a conveyor belt that automatically scans your book off your library card.  How cool is that?!! 

The inside of the library is pretty cool too.  It's all sparkly and new, with more reading areas, redesigned sections and the old standby: the smell of books.  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh...*bliss*

If you haven't been to a library recently, go.  Walk around.  Soak in the atmosphere.  Be jealous of my high-tech book return.  I dare ya.

Ghost in the Closet?

So, I was going about my business yesterday at work and had to go back into the storage closet where we keep the fluorescent microscope.  I was standing over by the table where there is a little lamp with a push-button on switch and all of a sudden it turned on.  All.  By.  Itself.

Hello???????????????

Someone call Ghost Hunters for me.  T.A.P.S. needs to get out here!

Spam Mail, More Entertaining Then You Think

You know how when you check your e-mail there are always like 100,000 spam messages?  It gets annoying when they creep into your inbox because the spam filter doesn't pick it up, and you have to delete until you get mouse-related hand-cramp.  Because really?  I'm a GIRL!  Why do I need medication to make my man parts larger?!  As I have always said, if that medication works on me, then you've got a friggin' PRODUCT homey! 

More recently however, I have actually been going into my spam folder just for the entertainment factor (current spam count: 1757).  It's not just the funny products, it's the grammar!  On gmail you can not only read the title of the e-mail, but also the first sentence without having to open what is undoubtedly a virus ready to eat your entire computer and spit out a Casio calculator watch from 1975.

Here are some of the best spam samples from the last week, get ready for the treasure trove of awesomeness!:

• Want to nail her good?  Order packs! Swallowing this blue thing means this evening you will nail your lady night-long!
• Super improver for your performer: Impress your girl tonight! You don't need to go to your local store, just order our products online!
• With our tabs nothing'll cause bed unluck: Sometimes it is just odd to lose a woman because of temporary male problems. 
• Super man in bed after 1 doze: It is what a man needs to fight the most delicate problem.  
• Fems will jump on your stick!  We have male products so low-cost...

Huh, nothing from Nigeria lately offering me money from a long-lost relative...I must be slipping.

The Sweaty Guy's Eliptical

Being at the gym before the crack of dawn three days a week really affords you the chance to get to know the other "regulars."  It's not like there are a TON of people sweatin' to the oldies at 6am.  I now recognize everyone by sight (I have no idea what any of their names are) and have given them all nicknames in my head.  They are as follows:

• "The Sweaty Guy"-so named because of the excessive amount of sweat-spray that surrounds his eliptical machine by the time he is done.  I have also seen him wipe down his arm pits with the sweat towel...that made me gag
• "The Grunter"-pretty self-explanatory (just to clarify, this is on the eliptical machine, not weights...which I find hilarious)
• "The Reader"-In case you are wondering, no that isn't me.  It's the lady who always reads a magazine while on her eliptical.  I don't roll like that, reading on the eliptical=motion sickness.
• "The Overachiever"-the girl who goes hell for leather on the eliptical and then, because that isn't enough, runs on the treadmill
• "The Preggo"-pregnant lady who I totally give props to for even thinking about working out while being seriously at least 7 months along
• "The Athlete"-girl who does all weights, and is darn buff.  I am pretty sure she is a student athlete...I should figure out for what
• "The Beast"-so named because of his propensity to almost peg-out the weight machines he is on.  For reals, the dude was doing the arm press set at 205 pounds!  WT_?!
• "The Cute Dude with Improper Shoes"-cute guy, lifts weights in work-boots
• "The Buff Old Guy"-also pretty self-explanatory

I wonder if anyone else in the gym makes up nicknames for the other people.  Hmmm.  If so...what would be my nickname?  "The Girl Who Listens to Her iPod?"

Abs? I put 'em on my Amazon Wishlist...

Despite the fact that I practice not one, but TWO different martial arts...you can't tell by my non-buffness.  It's really disheartening.  I mean, I work out, I can do quite a bit of cardio, I am relatively strong.  But do I look it?  No. 

There are also apparently muscles that I DON'T have.  As in; "Muscles?  What muscles?"   Among these elusive little buggers are lower abs and shoulders.  If someone could just hook me up with an Amazon gift certificate I would order them post-haste, I mean really, Amazon sells everything, right?! 

Two weeks ago I started a new work-out routine.  Three days a week I am now going to the gym at the butt crack (before) dawn and doing the eliptical followed by weights.  If this doesn't help I swear I am giving up totally and never standing again.  Just me and couches...forever.

OMG, Moving Messes With Your Blogging!

So I moved...a month and a half ago...and I haven't been on this thing since then. 

Don't judge me.

I've been busy ok?  Putting together Ikea furniture takes TIME.

Also, I have a lot of books.  Like a library's worth.  And I got rid of nine boxes!!  It's an addiction.  But hey, there are worse things to be addicted to right?

Anywho...now I have to come up with funny stories again...and catch up on the other blogs that I follow.  Maybe I will get inspiration there...or just be jealous that they are all up to date and I am not.  Whatevs.

Are You Serious?

Ah, the continuing trials of the drunk roommate. 

He is apparently still "dating" the current chick.  I think this makes about a month now, that has to go on the top 3 longest relationships he has ever had.  Just saying.

This girl is also loud, and apparently likes to sit around and watch our tv when roommate is not even there.  Maybe I am being snarky, but why the heck is she there when he is not?!  On the plus side, after he has left for work and I walked out in the living room I may have looked at her like "WTF?" and she may have left shortly thereafter.  I am a scary girl.  ;)

Not to say that this new girlfriend just takes, takes, takes.  She has, out of the kindness of her own heart, given me a new catch-phrase: "Are you serious?!"  I think I have heard this roughly 20 times in the last couple of days.  You see, when a girl (who is not your roommate) has been in your house since last Thursday, you get to hear her a lot.  I might not know her friggin' name, but really, is that important?

When am I moving out?  Thursday!!!!!!!!  Booya.

All Knees Go To Heaven

As my Hapkido master likes to say, "You only have one set of knees!  Take good care of them!"

Well, I try.  I really do.  But when you start off with crap genetics you're pretty much hosed.  Science is wonderful, but they don't have a way to stop osteoarthritis.  And that whole knee cap moving where it isn't supposed to?  Also not my fault.  Thanks Dad.

About nine months after my second (yes, second knee surgery, at the ripe ol' age of 26, thank you very much) I decided that I wanted to start martial arts.  I may still be slightly disgruntled that my parents never allowed me to start kicking people earlier in life when I wanted to...but that's a different matter. 

Three years ago next month I started training in Taekwondo and a year ago in Hapkido.  Besides the occassional knee ouchies, I was doing pretty darn well.  That is, until my last belt testing in TKD.  That's when the landing on my flying side-kick board break went...badly.

Can you guess which knee it is?!  Go on, take a second look...Turns out that I had severely sprained my MCL and tore my miniscus.  Good times.  This is what I looked like (with crutches!) after that:

Sexy, I know.

I ended up seeing the orthopedic surgeon (who did my 2nd knee surgery) and he told me it would take about a month to heal and I didn't need surgery.

Well, yesterday I went back for a re-check because my knee is still giving out on me and swelling after exercising.  He gave me a brace and told me if that doesn't help stabilize my knee cap my next option is surgery again.  That would make THREE knee surgeries in EIGHT years.

FML.

Only Two More Weeks!

I am seeing moving into my own apartment like the light at the end of the tunnel.  Seriously.  I have been ready to kill, phasers NOT on stun, my roommate (yes, THIS roommate) for the last couple of weeks. 

 He still hasn't cleaned the bathroom, that's been on stasis for like 6 weeks...  Last week his "girlfriend" decided to not only eat a bunch of my breakfast bars, but use my comb and mouthwash in the bathroom.  Then on Sunday he thought it would be a really good idea to invite a bunch of drunk-ass friends over to party loudly outside my window until 5am.  This morning?  I woke up to find more of my bathroom stuff used, all the lights in the house on, the TV in the living room blaring "Alice in Wonderland" to no one, and the freakin' garage door open to the world.  Awesome.  Nothing had better been stolen, I have a bunch of crap in there in preparation for the big move.

I cannot wait to move to my own place!  I will really miss my other two roommates, but this guy is ruining it for me.  I never went through the "drunk college student" phase, I am not a drunk full-time worker now, and I don't appreciate living with one.

Two more weeks...two more weeks...*deep breath*...two more weeks.

Man-Whore...Isn't That Redundant?

While explaining to my boss the other day that I was (finally) getting my own apartment and why I was sooo happy to live on my own we starting discussing one of my current roommates. 

Said current roommate is not only an alcoholic (as in the first thing he does when he wakes up is get a drink), he is also up all night either playing (loud) video games, watching movies or "entertaining" the ladies.  Which, in case you were wondering, is also loud.  You're welcome for the visual...sound-ual?  Ha!

That's right, I live with a man-whore.

I seriously don't know how he keeps finding these naive girls.  But they all look the same, and they are all about 20 years old (roommate is about 28).  So, ew.

What is love?  Baby don't hurt me...don't hurt me...no more...

Dream a Little Dream

I have very vivid dreams-we're talking full techni-color, action-packed adventures-when I can remember them.  Mostly I just remember odd little bits later that are nonsense.  I should keep a journal by my bed for future book ideas.

I was told recently that Stephenie Meyer (author of the Twilight Saga) started writing her books because she had a dream of the scene in the wildflower field and filled in the blanks.  Now she is a millionaire.

The part of my recent dream that I can actually remember?  I looked in the mirror and found that I had a really long nose-hair.  Someone, get me the movie rights!!!!!!!!

Pet Peeves

You know you all have them.  I'm just brave enough to list them and sound completely anal...which I am...which is besides the point.  Shut up.

I feel as though this will be an on-going list:

Random:
-Mouth-breathers
-People who chew with their mouth open
-People who start a sentence "I know you're busy, but..."
-The stupid weak girl in a movie/TV show who is too girly to protect herself from the big strong guy attacking her. KICK HIM IN THE GROIN!
-Fake laughs
-When you're hungry and there isn't any freakin' food in the house
-People who proudly proclaim that they don't read
-People who looked shocked/concerned when I say, "No, I am not involved with anyone right now."
-My mother who is always hinting about the grandbabies she doesn't have
-People who act like they are entitled to treat you like dirt
-Rude people
-Smokers
-Ignorant people
-People with no sense of humor
-People who wear spandex when not exercising (I'll give you a pass if you are headed to/from the gym)
-People who wear spandex who shouldn't be wearing spandex...you know you've seen them
-People who stand too close to you
-When the cashier asks you how your day is going and you're buying Kleenex and decongestants or something equally indicative of illness, how do you think it's going buddy?

Hygiene: 
-People who don't wash their hands after going to the bathroom (I mean really?  GROSS!)
-People who don't use deodorant
-Guys who don't cut their fingernails
-Anyone who doesn't cut their toenails
-People who consistently walk around with greasy hair
-Guys who can't grow proper facial hair but still try so they end up looking like a transitioning Wolfman
-The comb-over...ugh!!!  For the love of God, just get a buzz cut and be proud!
-People with yellow teeth
-People with bad breath

Roommates:
-When they don't replace communal stuff (ie. TOILET PAPER)
-When they don't take out the garbage on their night
-When they use all the laundry baskets
-When they leave all the lights on in the house and AREN'T HOME
-When they don't do their dishes because the dishwasher is full/clean and washing by hand would just be too hard *sniff*
-When they leave dirty plates/half-full glasses scattered around the house because it's just too hard to take them to the sink
-When they have parties outside your window until the wee hours of the morning
-When they eat your food

Cars:
-People who talk on their cell phone while driving
-Tailgaters
-People who cut you off
-People who cut you off and then SLOW DOWN
-People who drive under the speed limit when not warranted by weather conditions
-Bad parkers
-People who don't use their blinkers
-People who give you dirty looks/call you names/make rude hand-gestures for something that was their fault

Science-The Next Frontier:
Mostly, this is just things on medical or crime dramas that make me laugh...I mean really, I thought you people have consultants!  Just had a thought...do cops watch cop shows and make fun of stuff they do??  Huh...
-When science shows--like CSI--get the SCIENCE wrong
-Mis-pronouncing medical terms or names of bacteria/viruses/chemicals/diseases
-Showing "sciency" things that just aren't...science
-The fake beakers/Erlenmeyer flasks on every lab bench on every show (one of which is usually boiling) that are full of pretty colored liquids (see pic on my homepage). They aren't really anything but water with food dye.  Just so you know.  In real labs what you have to watch out for is the clear stuff.
-Any show that features people wearing lab coats/scrubs that are tailored to fit the person in snug glory.  I'm sorry, but labcoats/scrubs are not made to highlight your boobs.  If a labcoat is too tight to sit down in without popping buttons or seams, it's a FAIL and no one wears it!  

Saving Lives

Sadly, I don't think anyone noticed my bit of brilliance here...but it made my morning!  ;)

So, today I had my re-certification for CPR/AED/First-Aid.  Besides it being 4 hours of mind-numbing 80's videos...it wasn't that bad.  I got to practice compressions on "Anne" who was very cooperative.  Really, she just laid there.

                                             
The only unfortunate thing about Anne was she didn't have a face...

Which was admittedly kind of creepy because the instructor kept yelling at us, "Now, switch with your partners and remember to take your face with you!"

The good news is that I can now SAVE LIVES!!!  Now, I gotta go find someone to practice the Heimlich on...

iPad Commercial

As I was watching LOST last night (OMG!!!  The series finale is almost upon us!) the iPad commercial kept coming on...and coming on...and coming on.  Seriously, I think I saw it four times! 

Now, I happen to have a problem with the iPad in general; hellooooo it's a gigantic iPod Touch for $500, that's it!!  It's not that cool.  Come on Apple.  Work with me here.  You didn't even put flash on it.  WHAT?!  Oh, and the name of your devise sounds like a feminine hygiene product.

So, Apple, to prove my point, here is the latest (real) commercial for the iPad:

"What is an iPad?
iPad is thin.
iPad is beautiful.
iPad goes anywhere and lasts all day!"

Thank you iPad, if you could just guarantee it not leaking, I think we would have a winner!

The Zen of Sarcasm

Yes, I received this in an e-mail and yes, I am copying it here.  Don't judge me.

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
 

3.  It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9 . If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

10 . Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day .

11.  If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12 . If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18.  There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19 .  Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving .

20.  Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21 .  Never miss a good chance to shut up.
                   

22 .  Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

TGFS? WTF?

TGFS: Thank Goodness For Staff

It's an annual (free) picnic lunch my work puts on every May to "celebrate" the staff. 

However, this year the picnic was one week after 11 people were fired at my work.

TGFS: You still have a job, give thanks and have a free sandwhich.

WTF?

It's the Dawning of the Age of Aquarius...

I went to an outdoor student production of "Hair-The Musical" last night.

Besides the fact I was freezing, it's Spring and the production was in the arboretum (pollen, pollen, everywhere!), it was longer than I thought (at almost 3 hours) and something about 19-20 year olds playing hippies in 1968 makes me laugh...it wasn't bad.

(Photo courtesy of my iPhone)

Not my favorite play of all time...but for $14 you really can't beat it.

That got me thinking, what other plays/musicals have I been to??
Phantom of the Opera
Les Miserables
Mary Poppins
Mamma Mia!
The Little Mermaid
The Lion King
Wicked
Oklahoma!
The Pirates of Penzance
HMS Pinafore
Jekyll and Hyde
Cats
Into the Woods
Avenue Q
Xanadu
Jersey Boys
Rent
Sweeny Todd
A Midsummer Night's Dream
Romeo and Juliet
Cinderella
Hamlet

There might be more that I am forgetting, but that's all I can think of for now.  Uh...I like the theatre.   :)

Slip and Fall Down Carefully

It's why I practice Hapkido in one oddly phrased translation. 

"Special" Meetings

So, the place that I work has been hit really hard by the economy downturn.

Yesterday, the new financial head of the hospital sent out an e-mail saying there was going to be a "special meeting" for all staff today at 12pm.  That was all the e-mail said.  Informative. 

Today, people have been getting phone calls in the labs asking them to go up to the office of said financial guy and getting layed off.

As you can imagine, the place is in a state of shock and building rage.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go curl up in the fetal position under my lab bench and listen for the phone to ring.

*gulp*

Zombies and Taekwondo

I had a dream the other night that I was being attacked by zombies and I was fighting them off with sidekicks and face punches.

I know, weird.  I don't even watch horror movies, so why I was dreaming about zombies in the first place is beyond me.  I do like that I was fighting them off though, don't mess with me!!  ;)  Why I didn't just outrun them however, I have no idea.

Also, I tried to scalp myself with my own fingernail last night.  It hurt.

That is all.

Utilikilts and Musketeers?

This weekend my sister and I went to the local annual Scottish Games and Celtic Festival. We like to go and:

Look at the animals;

Listen to music (the dude playing the horn thing had niiiiiiiiiiice arms!);

Eat bangers;

And make fun of things like this;

(this was outide the Utilikilt booth)

Unfortunately, I did not get a chance to snap a pic of some of the more...eccentrically attired folk.  My personal fave this year, the dude dressed like a musketeer.  Uhh...CELTIC festival homie G, musketeers were FRENCH!

Then there were the displaced Renn Faire people.  Wearing the costumes onces a year, just isn't enough!!  Plus, very large women seem to enjoy wearing corsets and letting their...ummmm..."attributes"...hang out unhindered.

I did miss the guy last year that was dressed like a viking: loin cloth, helmet with horns (thanks Wagner), horn full of "grog,"and knee-high fur boots, who was drunk off his ass.  People were walking up to him and asking to take a photo with him.  Classic.   

All in all, good times to be had.  :)

Pissy People and Annexing States from the Union

Ok, let me just say that being rude/pissy/demanding/horrible on the phone to someone that you want help from does NOT in fact help your cause.  What makes you think that being rude to me will make me want to help you MORE?? 

"Oh, I'm sorry sir/ma'am!!  Don't get snotty with me!  I will do whatever you want post-haste!  In fact, I will run your test/re-fax you results/answer your stupid question yesterday, that's how quick I will be!!  In fact, if you ever need anything else, please feel free to call and yell at me any time!" 

Can't you just feel my sincerity?  :-D

Two seperate people calling me, one from New Jersey and one from Virginia, have annoyed me so thoroughly that I have actually annexed Jersey and Virginia from the U.S.  That's right, we're down to 48 states!  Hey, two less to learn in geography kiddies! 

If this keeps up the United States will be a lot less united. 

All I'm asking for is a little common decency people.  I mean really, what would your mother say about your manners??

Conversations With My (Guy) Roommate

This guy cracks me up!

Him: I'm watching NCIS:LA and I don't know why.
Me: It's because ll cool j is pretty isn't it?
Him: Eff yeah!

Me:  Ah, I see you are American Bandstanding in the kitchen
Him: *dances around like a goober*

Me: You're baking a pie?  Why?
Him: Why not?  Never done it before...
Me:  Really?  Huh.

And then later that night...

Him: Heather!  Try a piece of my pie!
Me:  It turned out well then?
Him: I don't even like apple pie and I like my pie!
Me: Ok, I'll try a piece later.
Him: EAT MY PIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: Stop pressuring me!

Me: *walking into a conversation between my guy roommate and his girlfriend*
Him:  Ooh!  We should ask Heather!
Me: Huh?
Him: Who makes the pearl tampons?
Me: Tampax
Him: *turning to his girlfriend* HA!  Told you!!
Me: Oh jeez.

Me: *leaving for work in the morning*
Him: Good luck!
Me: Uh...thanks?

Him: *playing drunken Monopoly with my other roommate*
Me: I live with thugs...

Him: *singing* I was belly dancing...
Me: Yeah, but you didn't make much did ya?
Him: Hell no &/tch!

Rock Paper Scissors Lizard Spock

The Big Bang Theory...a must watch for all geeks!  ;)

Watch the clip!

Duck, Duck, DUCK!!!!!!!!

I was giving a ride to two of my friends this evening and we were chatting and laughing away as I took a back road to where I was dropping them off.

All of a sudden Sarah screams, "Duck, duck, DUUUUCK!" and that's when I noticed that there was in fact a friggin' duck strollin' down the middle of the street without a care in the world.

I gave that duck something to care about. 

It was too late to swerve, but I did manage to manuever it between my tires as opposed to under my tires.  I think I heard it's little stupid head hit the undercarriage. 

Can ducks get migraines? 

We stopped to look, but it was moseying on with its business.

No harm, no fowl.

Oh duck.

Grammar: Look Smarter With These Helpful Hints!

People who use atrocious grammar really annoy me. Now, I am the first to admit that I don't use perfect grammar myself sometimes, and I do use slang. But there are some things that you just need to fix if you are still making these mistakes. So here are a couple of hints:


The Difference Between "their," "there" and "they're":

Their-used as a possessive pronoun. For instance, "Did everyone get their lunch?" When talking about making, doing, or belonging to more than one person.


There-usually used as a non-specific location for a place. For instance, "Please go sit over there." This word is usually used to cut down on description so that your sentence isn't cumbersome. When speaking, "there" is usually used in correlation with a pointed finger toward what you are talking about: "Please go sit over there (points to chair at the table)."


They're-used as a contraction of "they are." This word is a plural noun's state of being. For instance, "They're painting my bedroom." What are "they" doing? They are "painting." The easiest way to remember when to use this word instead of the others is by taking it out of the contraction and seeing if "they are" fits just as well into the sentence, if it does then that's the one to use!


It Is "A lot," Not "Alot":

This is one that is so often misspelled you would think it's the right way to do it! I am constantly amazed at how often I have seen people use "alot" as one word. The most recent one was at my sister's place of work where there is a thank-you letter posted written by a 1st grade teacher saying her class "had alot of fun." People! "a lot" is two words, not one!


You're vs. Your:

I actually saw this one misused on a greeting card yesterday!  UUUGH!!!  This one has the same rules as the difference between "their" and "they're"...

You're-used as a contraction of "you are." This is a pronoun's state of being. For instance, "You're going to go visit Nana later, right?" What are "you" doing? You are "visiting." Same rule as before, take out the contraction and if you can put "you are" into the sentence without it sounding jacked up, then that's the one to use.

Your-possessive adjective, meaning of, belonging or done by you. For instance, "Your cat is a mean little thing, isn't she?" Who does the cat belong to? You.


It's or Its?:

Yes, a lot of mistakes are made with these tricky little contractions...maybe people would just be better off not using them. Seriously.

It's-a contraction of "it is." A pronoun that is used to refer back to something that was named before or as an impersonal pronoun. For instance, "The baseball just flew over the fence. It's the last one, can someone go get it?" Now, what's the last one? The baseball, we don't have to say that over (as in "The baseball just flew over the fence. The baseball is the last one...) because everyone knows what we are talking about at that point, and repeating it would just be redundant.

Its-possessive adjective, meaning of, belonging or done by it (a nonspecific noun). For instance, "I don't know what kind of animal it was, but its paw prints indicate a large animal."

Karate Kid? I Don't Think So.

The Karate Kid:
Classic 80's movie about a teenager, named Daniel, who gets taken under the wing of a nice JAPANESE man named Mr. Miyagi.  Mr. Miyagi then proceeds to teach him "wax on, wax off" and other valuable KARATE lessons while calling him Daniel-son.  In a movie-magic two month period Daniel becomes a kick-ass fighter and wins a KARATE tournament at the end of the film.  Class-ic.

Karate Kid re-make...
Little boy (12 year old) moves to CHINA with his mom.  He gets taken under the wing of Mr. Han (Jackie Chan), a nice CHINESE man, who teaches him to "take his jacket off, put it back on" and other valuable KUNG FU lessons.  At the end there is a KUNG FU tournament, which (even though I have not seen it), I am sure the little kid wins because he has become a kick-ass fighter.

Ok, anyone see the problem here?  You are re-making The KARATE Kid, in China while showing the kid learning KUNG FU!!!!!!!!!  NOT THE SAME!!!!!!!!!!  Karate does not equal Kung Fu!  Totally different martial art!  Uuuuuugh....  If you wanted to make an inspirational movie about a little kid learning Kung Fu, cool, make it, call it The Kung Fu Kid.  DON'T call it The Karate Kid, because guess what?  He ISN'T learning Karate!!!!

For the love of god...

We had quite a discussion about this in my Taekwondo class last night.  I even learned something new, using the term Kung Fu for the martial art style is incorrect.  It's actually called Wushu.  Interesting.  My point however, is still valid.

Warnings from the Friendly Administration

Every year we get an e-mail warning us when the "World Week for Animals in Laboratories(WWAIL)/World Laboratory Animal Liberation Week (WLALW)" is taking place.  You know, so we can be on the look out for crazy protesters and/or people who are trying to "free" the lab animals (personally, I am hoping to see someone dressed all in black trying to smuggle out mice...but that's just me).  This year it starts on Saturday.  Thinking they are being helpful, admin have attached these helpful hints:

Suspicious Packages:
Keep in mind a bomb can be enclosed in either a parcel or an envelope, and its outward appearance is limited
only by the imagination of the sender. However, package bombs have exhibited some unique characteristics
that may assist you in identifying a suspected device. To apply these factors, it is important to know the type
of mail normally received by your organization.

Things to Look for:
• Suspicious packages or articles may bear restricted endorsements such as "Personal" or "Private." This
is important if the addressee does not normally receive personal mail at the office.
**What about Amazon, does Amazon count??!!**
• Suspicious packages or articles may have protruding wires, aluminum foil, or oil stains visible and may
emit a peculiar odor.
**WHAT?!  Why would you open a package that had PROTRUDING WIRES hanging out of it??**
• Suspicious packages or articles may have an excessive amount of postage stamps affixed to them.
• Letter type bombs may feel rigid, or appear uneven or lopsided.
• There may be pressure or resistance when removing contents from an envelope or parcel.
• Suspicious packages or articles may be unprofessionally wrapped with several combinations of tape
used to secure the package. They may also be endorsed "Fragile-Handle With Care" or "Rush-Do Not
Delay."
**Several kinds of tape?  What the __?!  Bombers are thrifty and use up leftover tape rolls?**
• Suspicious packages or articles may have an irregular shape, soft spots, or bulges.
**Sort of like me...waaaaaaait...**
• Suspicious packages or articles may make a ticking, buzzing, or sloshing sound.
**Ok, I'm just saying, you open up a package that is TICKING, you might be getting what you deserve...**
• The addressee's name and/or title may be inaccurate.
• Suspicious packages or articles may reflect distorted handwriting, or the name and address may be
prepared with homemade labels or cut-and-paste lettering.
**Does anyone outside of kidnappers in the movies from 1985 use cut and paste lettering?  Really?**

There are also helpful hints such as:
• Always be alert to any surroundings.
• Always lock car doors after entering or leaving your car.
• Lock your valuables. Never leave your keys, purse, wallet, briefcase or backpack unattended.
• Lock all doors and windows.
• Don't leave notes indicating you aren't home or when you will return.

Thanks for the tips guys...never would have thought about locking my doors when I leave...**thumbs up**

P.S. Just so you know, we don't have any research animals in my lab, so please don't send me a package with cut and paste letters on it...

Training Program

So, good times with the 5K training program that I joined.

It's called the "Couch to 5K" program, so you would think that the majority of people who join would be more at the "couch" level rather than the "5K" part.  You would be wrong. 

They broke everyone into 7 groups, groups 1 & 2 are the runners who can "do a 9-10 minute mile," groups 3-4 are the jog/walkers and groups 5-7 are mostly walkers.  I am in group 6.  That's right, 6/7.  Now, I am not exactly a couch potato, but I am not a runner.  I can kick things for a long time, but have me run longer than 1/4 of a mile and I am toast.  And I have bad knees.  Good times.

I am sorry, but WHY is there even a group 1 or 2?!  What the frick?!  You can already run, but you are joining a program for people who are starting at the "couch" portion of this training?  WHAT?! 

Ok, I have your number groups one and two.  You just joined to feel good about yourself and secretly make fun of us walkers.  Bastards.

THEN, today they do fitness assessments.  Pushups, situps, flexibility, weight, height...I was fine up until they reached the body fat measurements.  Giant pinchers that measure your fat rolls?  Grrrrrrrreat.  It all started with the trainer telling me to take off my shirt...and then there was just a lot of groping.  Unfortunately, it wasn't the fun kind.

If I haven't improved at all  in the next 8 weeks (how long the program is), I am not going to be happy.  This is a lot of work and I had better get results!!

Work Stories from the Archives

The Best of the Best-

Top Packaging we have received:

1) Frozen spinach as an ice pack (which was melted and had spinach juice everywhere)
2) Otterpops as an ice pack (which lent a bit of color)
3) A Barbie soft-sided lunch-pail to hold the samples (as opposed to oh, a ziplock...which are MUCH harder to come by)
4) A sample completely enclosed in duct tape...(that one was fun to open)
5) And the ever-popular confetti (shredded paper) to cushion samples, so that when they are opened they explode! Mazel tof!
6) Frozen edamame as an ice pack (I almost took those as lunch!)
7) Water frozen (which then melts...) in a jar or ziploc in place of an ice pack
8) Baby diapers (newborn ones no less) to cushion a sample

Top Phone Conversations (abbreviated for length):

1) Me: Immunology Lab
Clinician: (with a very heavy Texas accent) Yes, I wanna test my sheep
Me: For what?
Clinician: My sheep
Me: What would you like to test your sheep for?
Clinician: I wanna test a sheep herd
Me: Yes, but what disease do you want to test your sheep for?
Clinician: Oh!  Well, I wanna see if they're shootin'!
Me: (trying not to laugh) Ok, well we don't test reproduction here, you will need to call the state lab
Clinician: Alright, thank you! 

2) Lab Assistant: No ma'am, the sample isn't ready yet
Secretary:  WHAT?! 
Lab Assistant: We just got the sample yesterday ma'am
Secretary: We shipped out the sample priority overnight at a VERY great expense because we were told that the sample would be run TODAY!
Me: (in the background, to my lab assistant)  They were never told that
Lab Assistant: No ma'am (she's very polite on the phone, isn't she?), our turnaround time is 5-7 business days
Secretary: Well then, WHEN am I going to get results??!!
Lab Assistant: By the end of this week
Secretary: You know what?!  You are all LIARS!  You only tell people things are going to be done faster so you can get more samples!!!!  *hangs up*
Me (to the lab assistant): Liars, huh?  *sigh* If only she knew...we don't really want her samples...we have plenty enough already to drive us insane.  And no one EVER told her we would run her sample today, we never promise that because things can always go wrong.  Don't worry about it, you were very polite to her.  :)

3) Tech: You are the clinician?
Clinician: Yes
Tech: Ok, you have to tell me the name of the clinic that requested the test for me to look up results
Clinician: I TOLD you, I don't know the name of the clinic!
Tech: You don't know the clinic name?  Aren't you the clinician?
Clinician: YES
Tech: Really?
Clinician Trainer: Well, no...I'm the trainer
Tech: Ok...we can only re-send results to the clinician or clinic who originally sent them to us.  We would be happy to re-send results, but we need to know the clinic name first.
Trainer: What do you want me to do?  Drive down to Kentucky and look through the yellow pages??!!
Tech: I don't know how you would like to handle this, I am just letting you know that we need the clinic name.
Trainer: You and the USDA are what's WRONG with this country!!!!!!! 
Tech: Ok, you are being very rude and I am not going to talk to you until you calm down.  *hangs up*
Me:  *gives the other tech a high five*  Wow...I didn't realize our little lab of two had so much power!  *evil laugh*  Someone call Obama!!

4) Me: Immunology Lab
Clinician: Do you run the test on goats for SHI?
Me: Yes, we do
Clinician: So, what is the cut off titers?
Me: Well, it has to be correlated with clinical symtoms, but titers less than 1:8 are considered possible cross-reactions to common environmental bacteria and titers greater than 1:512 have a high association with internal abscesses.
Clinician: So, if the titer is greater than 1:8 then you just cull (note: that is vet-speak for "kill") them??
Me:  Uhhhhhhhhhh...*that's being a little drastic*  I would recommend you speak to one of our clinicians in the Large Animal Clinic about that...I can't give you clinical advise.
Clinician: Thanks, I'll do that! *hangs up*
Me: Wow...Kill them!  Kill them all!

People Just Don't Pay Attention

I was going to title this "Pet Peeves-Part I" but hey...I was feeling less alliterate.  We'll save this for a later date.  I have a lot of pet peeves...fair warning.

I have come to the realization that people really don't pay attention to what is going on around them.  Supposedly New Yorkers are supposed to be famous for this...I think they get a bad rap.  People everywhere are too focused on their internal monologue to do little things like, oh, read signs.  But it doesn't stop at signs, they also don't listen, nor do they follow directions.  This happens everywhere from my lab to restaurants.

Examples:

Signs-

Sign: Please use other door
What happens: People try to use THAT door

Sign: Please place your samples here
What happens: People walk right past the sign and ask me, "Where do I put my sample?"

Sign: Push
What happens: Pull

Sign: Please come in, no need to knock.
What happens: *knock*

Answering the phone-

Me: Immunology lab
Person: Yes, I am trying to reach VGL/Chemistry/Microbiology/Repro/etc.
Me: VGL/Chemistry/Microbiology/Repro/etc.?
Person: Yes
Me: This is the immunology lab
Person: Well, isn't this (names city)
Me: Yes, but we are still not the VGL/Chemistry/Microbiology/Repro/etc. lab, you need to call the VGL/Chemistry/Microbiology/Repro/etc. lab
Person: Oh, well do you have their phone number?
**Oh good!  Now I am the switchboard!**

Following instructions-

Submission form: Turnaround time is 5-7 business days
Caller: I want to know why I haven't received results yet
Me: When did you submit your sample?
Caller: You should have got it yesterday
Me: Turnaround time is...**wait for it**...5-7 business days
Caller: So, my sample isn't ready yet?
Me: No
Caller: Well, when will I get results?
Me: **Do I really have to say it?**  5-7 business days

Submission form:  PCR on blood can only be run on purple top tubes
What I get: Red top tube

Submission form: Please include your fax number on the submission form
What I get: A phone number, if I'm lucky

Submission form: Please circle the test you are requesting, or all 3 will be run by default
What I get: No circles
What I do: Run all 3
Then what do I get?: A caller asking why we ran all 3 tests when all they wanted were 2 of them!


 There are probably many other that I am forgetting...this blog might have to be updated...

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Blogger's note: **words** will from now on denote my internal dialogue (where I will probably be making fun of someone), and **words** will denote actions

The Amazing Personell Office (insert sarcasm here)

Ok, so the state of California is in quite a pickle financially.  Let me break it down for you: basically, we have no money.  This has caused a riot in the whole "state workers" contingency because there isn't money to ohhh...PAY them.

Thus started the illustrious "Furlough Fridays" once a month, which then extended to twice a month...which then ballooned to three times a month.  I think that's where they are holding.  I think. 

I thought my work escaped.  I was wrong.  Last year they told us that we either take 2+ weeks off without pay (and lose benefits and vacation time and retirement during that time) or implement this new-fangled program with a fun acronym.  Don't ask me what it stands for, I don't know and I really don't care.  They take my money.

Anywho, with this program you take the time you would have to furlough all at once and spread it over the following 10 months, so every month your pay is cut by a certain percentage instead.  I was wacked 9%.  Awesome in a can.

The people coordinating the loss of my paycheck?  The personell office.  The people who do what we refer to as "special" math?  The personell office.  The people who have NO IDEA what they are doing with my timesheets?  The personell office.  Are you beginning to see the problem here?  First, they mess up the hours we are supposed to take off.  Then they tell us that we need to total everything per month.  Then they start randomly taking away my vacation time for NO APPARENT REASON.  I haven't had a real vacation in over a year!  Today, I find out they decided to change how they want us to report hours to weekly instead of monthly.  Really?!  I mean REALLY?!  (insert SNL Weekend Update joke here)  What does this all mean?  My timesheet for this month is once again going to be "wrong" because of them and I will get more vacation time docked.  Excellent. 

I just can't even work up the will to care anymore.  Go ahead.  You already cut my pay, yelled at me for working too much, capped out my vacation time, took away random vacation time, and lied to me about all the above...so WHATEVER.  Do what you will with my timesheet.  I can't even claim it anymore as mine, just put down whatever you think I should have worked and let's go with that.

Oh yeah, and have a nice day!

*end of rant*

Adopt A US Soldier

I ran across this great website that connects volunteers with soldiers who are deployed overseas.  You "adopt" a soldier and write them and/or send them care packages.  I just signed up for my second soldier and if you have the time, they really appreciate it!!  :)

http://adoptaussoldier.org/

Freaky fish

Is it just me, or are these little suckers staring at me??!

The inaugural post

The pressure!  The pressure!

Actually, there really isn't much pressure because no one is even reading this blog...so there you go.

Mainly I am starting this for my little sister who will be moving 3 states away the end of May.  The stories must continue!  I mean yes, I know we will text and e-mail and talk...but you never remember all the funny little stories. 

For instance, I got smoked on the highway yesterday by a hearst.  No joke.  It was a dark green hearst, with the curtains in the back window and it was freakin' flying!!!  At least 80 in a 55.  Impressive, no?  I thought it was a good omen...of course, someone could have just been late for a funeral, which is less good...but you know what I mean.

I shall have lots of work stories of crazy clients, spastic students, rude clinicians and random work drama...which are really not funny when they are happening, but get much better when you tell the story later.  The story is usually followed by "can you believe that?!"  Seriously, there are a lot of crazy people out there, and they aaaaaaall call my lab.  It's a curse.  Good thing I'm not an archealogist in Egypt because I would be screeewed. 

I also practice two kinds of martial arts; Taekwondo and Hapkido.  I often have funny stories involving either the students, or what my Hapkido Master yells at us during training (he's a funny guy). 

Here goes nothin'!!