Spam Mail, More Entertaining Then You Think

You know how when you check your e-mail there are always like 100,000 spam messages?  It gets annoying when they creep into your inbox because the spam filter doesn't pick it up, and you have to delete until you get mouse-related hand-cramp.  Because really?  I'm a GIRL!  Why do I need medication to make my man parts larger?!  As I have always said, if that medication works on me, then you've got a friggin' PRODUCT homey! 

More recently however, I have actually been going into my spam folder just for the entertainment factor (current spam count: 1757).  It's not just the funny products, it's the grammar!  On gmail you can not only read the title of the e-mail, but also the first sentence without having to open what is undoubtedly a virus ready to eat your entire computer and spit out a Casio calculator watch from 1975.

Here are some of the best spam samples from the last week, get ready for the treasure trove of awesomeness!:

• Want to nail her good?  Order packs! Swallowing this blue thing means this evening you will nail your lady night-long!
• Super improver for your performer: Impress your girl tonight! You don't need to go to your local store, just order our products online!
• With our tabs nothing'll cause bed unluck: Sometimes it is just odd to lose a woman because of temporary male problems. 
• Super man in bed after 1 doze: It is what a man needs to fight the most delicate problem.  
• Fems will jump on your stick!  We have male products so low-cost...

Huh, nothing from Nigeria lately offering me money from a long-lost relative...I must be slipping.

The Sweaty Guy's Eliptical

Being at the gym before the crack of dawn three days a week really affords you the chance to get to know the other "regulars."  It's not like there are a TON of people sweatin' to the oldies at 6am.  I now recognize everyone by sight (I have no idea what any of their names are) and have given them all nicknames in my head.  They are as follows:

• "The Sweaty Guy"-so named because of the excessive amount of sweat-spray that surrounds his eliptical machine by the time he is done.  I have also seen him wipe down his arm pits with the sweat towel...that made me gag
• "The Grunter"-pretty self-explanatory (just to clarify, this is on the eliptical machine, not weights...which I find hilarious)
• "The Reader"-In case you are wondering, no that isn't me.  It's the lady who always reads a magazine while on her eliptical.  I don't roll like that, reading on the eliptical=motion sickness.
• "The Overachiever"-the girl who goes hell for leather on the eliptical and then, because that isn't enough, runs on the treadmill
• "The Preggo"-pregnant lady who I totally give props to for even thinking about working out while being seriously at least 7 months along
• "The Athlete"-girl who does all weights, and is darn buff.  I am pretty sure she is a student athlete...I should figure out for what
• "The Beast"-so named because of his propensity to almost peg-out the weight machines he is on.  For reals, the dude was doing the arm press set at 205 pounds!  WT_?!
• "The Cute Dude with Improper Shoes"-cute guy, lifts weights in work-boots
• "The Buff Old Guy"-also pretty self-explanatory

I wonder if anyone else in the gym makes up nicknames for the other people.  Hmmm.  If so...what would be my nickname?  "The Girl Who Listens to Her iPod?"

Abs? I put 'em on my Amazon Wishlist...

Despite the fact that I practice not one, but TWO different martial arts...you can't tell by my non-buffness.  It's really disheartening.  I mean, I work out, I can do quite a bit of cardio, I am relatively strong.  But do I look it?  No. 

There are also apparently muscles that I DON'T have.  As in; "Muscles?  What muscles?"   Among these elusive little buggers are lower abs and shoulders.  If someone could just hook me up with an Amazon gift certificate I would order them post-haste, I mean really, Amazon sells everything, right?! 

Two weeks ago I started a new work-out routine.  Three days a week I am now going to the gym at the butt crack (before) dawn and doing the eliptical followed by weights.  If this doesn't help I swear I am giving up totally and never standing again.  Just me and couches...forever.

OMG, Moving Messes With Your Blogging!

So I moved...a month and a half ago...and I haven't been on this thing since then. 

Don't judge me.

I've been busy ok?  Putting together Ikea furniture takes TIME.

Also, I have a lot of books.  Like a library's worth.  And I got rid of nine boxes!!  It's an addiction.  But hey, there are worse things to be addicted to right?

Anywho...now I have to come up with funny stories again...and catch up on the other blogs that I follow.  Maybe I will get inspiration there...or just be jealous that they are all up to date and I am not.  Whatevs.

Are You Serious?

Ah, the continuing trials of the drunk roommate. 

He is apparently still "dating" the current chick.  I think this makes about a month now, that has to go on the top 3 longest relationships he has ever had.  Just saying.

This girl is also loud, and apparently likes to sit around and watch our tv when roommate is not even there.  Maybe I am being snarky, but why the heck is she there when he is not?!  On the plus side, after he has left for work and I walked out in the living room I may have looked at her like "WTF?" and she may have left shortly thereafter.  I am a scary girl.  ;)

Not to say that this new girlfriend just takes, takes, takes.  She has, out of the kindness of her own heart, given me a new catch-phrase: "Are you serious?!"  I think I have heard this roughly 20 times in the last couple of days.  You see, when a girl (who is not your roommate) has been in your house since last Thursday, you get to hear her a lot.  I might not know her friggin' name, but really, is that important?

When am I moving out?  Thursday!!!!!!!!  Booya.

All Knees Go To Heaven

As my Hapkido master likes to say, "You only have one set of knees!  Take good care of them!"

Well, I try.  I really do.  But when you start off with crap genetics you're pretty much hosed.  Science is wonderful, but they don't have a way to stop osteoarthritis.  And that whole knee cap moving where it isn't supposed to?  Also not my fault.  Thanks Dad.

About nine months after my second (yes, second knee surgery, at the ripe ol' age of 26, thank you very much) I decided that I wanted to start martial arts.  I may still be slightly disgruntled that my parents never allowed me to start kicking people earlier in life when I wanted to...but that's a different matter. 

Three years ago next month I started training in Taekwondo and a year ago in Hapkido.  Besides the occassional knee ouchies, I was doing pretty darn well.  That is, until my last belt testing in TKD.  That's when the landing on my flying side-kick board break went...badly.

Can you guess which knee it is?!  Go on, take a second look...Turns out that I had severely sprained my MCL and tore my miniscus.  Good times.  This is what I looked like (with crutches!) after that:

Sexy, I know.

I ended up seeing the orthopedic surgeon (who did my 2nd knee surgery) and he told me it would take about a month to heal and I didn't need surgery.

Well, yesterday I went back for a re-check because my knee is still giving out on me and swelling after exercising.  He gave me a brace and told me if that doesn't help stabilize my knee cap my next option is surgery again.  That would make THREE knee surgeries in EIGHT years.

FML.

Only Two More Weeks!

I am seeing moving into my own apartment like the light at the end of the tunnel.  Seriously.  I have been ready to kill, phasers NOT on stun, my roommate (yes, THIS roommate) for the last couple of weeks. 

 He still hasn't cleaned the bathroom, that's been on stasis for like 6 weeks...  Last week his "girlfriend" decided to not only eat a bunch of my breakfast bars, but use my comb and mouthwash in the bathroom.  Then on Sunday he thought it would be a really good idea to invite a bunch of drunk-ass friends over to party loudly outside my window until 5am.  This morning?  I woke up to find more of my bathroom stuff used, all the lights in the house on, the TV in the living room blaring "Alice in Wonderland" to no one, and the freakin' garage door open to the world.  Awesome.  Nothing had better been stolen, I have a bunch of crap in there in preparation for the big move.

I cannot wait to move to my own place!  I will really miss my other two roommates, but this guy is ruining it for me.  I never went through the "drunk college student" phase, I am not a drunk full-time worker now, and I don't appreciate living with one.

Two more weeks...two more weeks...*deep breath*...two more weeks.