Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Work Stories from the Archives

The Best of the Best-

Top Packaging we have received:

1) Frozen spinach as an ice pack (which was melted and had spinach juice everywhere)
2) Otterpops as an ice pack (which lent a bit of color)
3) A Barbie soft-sided lunch-pail to hold the samples (as opposed to oh, a ziplock...which are MUCH harder to come by)
4) A sample completely enclosed in duct tape...(that one was fun to open)
5) And the ever-popular confetti (shredded paper) to cushion samples, so that when they are opened they explode! Mazel tof!
6) Frozen edamame as an ice pack (I almost took those as lunch!)
7) Water frozen (which then melts...) in a jar or ziploc in place of an ice pack
8) Baby diapers (newborn ones no less) to cushion a sample

Top Phone Conversations (abbreviated for length):

1) Me: Immunology Lab
Clinician: (with a very heavy Texas accent) Yes, I wanna test my sheep
Me: For what?
Clinician: My sheep
Me: What would you like to test your sheep for?
Clinician: I wanna test a sheep herd
Me: Yes, but what disease do you want to test your sheep for?
Clinician: Oh!  Well, I wanna see if they're shootin'!
Me: (trying not to laugh) Ok, well we don't test reproduction here, you will need to call the state lab
Clinician: Alright, thank you! 

2) Lab Assistant: No ma'am, the sample isn't ready yet
Secretary:  WHAT?! 
Lab Assistant: We just got the sample yesterday ma'am
Secretary: We shipped out the sample priority overnight at a VERY great expense because we were told that the sample would be run TODAY!
Me: (in the background, to my lab assistant)  They were never told that
Lab Assistant: No ma'am (she's very polite on the phone, isn't she?), our turnaround time is 5-7 business days
Secretary: Well then, WHEN am I going to get results??!!
Lab Assistant: By the end of this week
Secretary: You know what?!  You are all LIARS!  You only tell people things are going to be done faster so you can get more samples!!!!  *hangs up*
Me (to the lab assistant): Liars, huh?  *sigh* If only she knew...we don't really want her samples...we have plenty enough already to drive us insane.  And no one EVER told her we would run her sample today, we never promise that because things can always go wrong.  Don't worry about it, you were very polite to her.  :)

3) Tech: You are the clinician?
Clinician: Yes
Tech: Ok, you have to tell me the name of the clinic that requested the test for me to look up results
Clinician: I TOLD you, I don't know the name of the clinic!
Tech: You don't know the clinic name?  Aren't you the clinician?
Clinician: YES
Tech: Really?
Clinician Trainer: Well, no...I'm the trainer
Tech: Ok...we can only re-send results to the clinician or clinic who originally sent them to us.  We would be happy to re-send results, but we need to know the clinic name first.
Trainer: What do you want me to do?  Drive down to Kentucky and look through the yellow pages??!!
Tech: I don't know how you would like to handle this, I am just letting you know that we need the clinic name.
Trainer: You and the USDA are what's WRONG with this country!!!!!!! 
Tech: Ok, you are being very rude and I am not going to talk to you until you calm down.  *hangs up*
Me:  *gives the other tech a high five*  Wow...I didn't realize our little lab of two had so much power!  *evil laugh*  Someone call Obama!!

4) Me: Immunology Lab
Clinician: Do you run the test on goats for SHI?
Me: Yes, we do
Clinician: So, what is the cut off titers?
Me: Well, it has to be correlated with clinical symtoms, but titers less than 1:8 are considered possible cross-reactions to common environmental bacteria and titers greater than 1:512 have a high association with internal abscesses.
Clinician: So, if the titer is greater than 1:8 then you just cull (note: that is vet-speak for "kill") them??
Me:  Uhhhhhhhhhh...*that's being a little drastic*  I would recommend you speak to one of our clinicians in the Large Animal Clinic about that...I can't give you clinical advise.
Clinician: Thanks, I'll do that! *hangs up*
Me: Wow...Kill them!  Kill them all!

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